What the flip do you say to someone whose tits are trying to kill them? Whose life now has a little marker of before and after a breast cancer diagnosis?
First off, if you're not in their life every day, don't disappear because you don't know what to say. They're still the same person, they just have kamikaze tits now.
Here are some things that you can say:
Real talk. You might not be able to help just now. If you can do practical stuff like going to appointments with them if they want, or getting food in, that's brill. Do that. But if that's not your place, you really just need to be there. Be present. But also don't hound them to keep you updated constantly. Let them take the lead. Avoid platitudes. Nobody wants to hear "oh at least you caught it before (insert next shitty stage of breast cancer here, if relevant)."
Other things that might help:
Oh here we go. Your favourite person's tits are trying to kill them, and you're over here like, what about me? Wow. Self absorbed much?
Lol, just kidding. A breast cancer diagnosis affects so many people around the person who has it. This is really hard for you too. Depending if your person is a partner, family or friend, this may upend your entire life too, physically or emotionally. You have to face all of this from the outside, you've got none of the attention or concern, and we can all hold hands and say it really bloody sucks.
It doesn't suck as much as going through it though. No matter how sad, traumatised, effected and upset you are, try as hard as possible to prioritise what your person needs.
This doesn't mean at all that you should pretend you're totally chill and unaffected by it all, but also try not to get all of the support you need from the person whose tits are trying to kill them. Chat to other mates, your family, a Macmillan or Maggie's breast cancer counsellor.
Take care of yourself, so you can take care of them.
This is harder. What's completely off the table for one person, is gallows humour to another.
What not to say may evolve over the course of treatment, too. When your tits are trying to kill you, something that was totally unpalatable to talk about 2 weeks after diagnosis, might be the one thing they want to talk about constantly 6 months in.
Keep up, mate! Check in with your person about where their head's at with this breast cancer shandangle, what they're worrying about (if anything) that day and how they're feeling. If you say something you've said a million times and this time it makes them burst into tears, don't feel defensive, just say sorry and give them a hug and ask if they're ok. Make a mental note not to say it again, but don't hold it against them, they might just be having a day of feeling really vulnerable or sicky.
You might, quite rightly, be really angry that this has happened. Your internal monologue might be a pick 'n' mix of EFFING BREAST CANCER?? Why her? Why us? Why now? What's caused this? She's too young. She doesn't deserve this. This is so unfair.
It might go without saying, but let's say it, don't direct this anger at the person whose tits are trying to kill them, or in the vicinity of them. It's nobody's fault, it's just shit. Breast cancer is simply caused by cells that have previously grown, divided and died off as usual, deciding one day to just go bananas.
When your tits are trying to kill you, and your getting treatment, you feel vulnerable a lot of the time, so your anger might make them feel terrible about making you feel terrible. A veritable nesting dolls set of emotion.
You are the loved one of a queen who is dealing with breast cancer. But she's still your person. Your wife, partner, daughter, best mate, sister, colleague, niece, granddaughter.
She loves you and you love her, that hasn't changed, she's just going through a hard time Her world has been flipped upside down. So give her grace, and give it to yourself too. There isn't much that can't be dealt with when it comes from a place of love, compassion, understanding, tolerance and communication.
For a while she might not be able to do the things you always do, and it might go on for quite some time. Going through all of this might change her, and it might change you too. Be yourself, be patient, and just keep loving the bones of her, and her shitty tits.