A physio I had - shout out Billie - gave me some great advice in how to think about my energy levels during treatment. It's actually applicable to all of us whether you've got cancer or not. She told me that chemo is really physiologically expensive.
Just remember: Spend-Rest-Give Back.
We're getting poisoned to get rid of the demon cells, but the whole body is affected, then the idea is that you start to recover and before the cancer cells have time to rally, BANG, you smash them again.
So think of your little body, your bag of bones, your mortal coil, as a bank balance. When you have chemo or radio or immuno, your body goes into debt, as it rallies to cope. So after that you need to rest, that gets you back to zero. Then you have to give back to get into credit ahead of the next one. Giving back might mean taking a walk in nature, reading a book, playing with your kids, seeing your mates, cuddling the dog, whatever fills your cup up. That is the priority. Get that cup overflowing, girl.
Are you the one who holds everything together? Who organises the trips? The ones your friends turn to for advice and support? Who does everything in the house? For the kids? For your family? At work?
Ok, this one is going to be hard. So hold my hand and say it with me. You have to accept help now. You might even have to, gasp, ask for help.
No it doesn't mean you're aren't a bad bitch, that you're weak, that you're a burden, or you're less independent. It means your tits are trying to kill you. You physically can't maintain your life as it was and deal with this stuff. Something has to give, and it can't be your health.
Everyone around you feels helpless right now, so let's reframe this. You're actually doing them a favour by asking them to help. Being helped doesn't mean you're indebted to them either. Repeat as many times as needed.
There was a broken bit inside of me - as a teenager of the 90s, fed relentlessly by magazine covers that screamed " Barbara's Cellulite Hell" with some size 6 tv personality who got papped at a bad angle - that thought I might get a gaunt but chic vibe out of this. Be one of those incredible women that wears jeans and a white t-shirt and somehow makes it look couture. So that didn't happen. Fine. Whatever.
Chemo can affect your appetite and sense of taste, pre-meds can make you hungry. It's a culinary clusterfuck, but you have to hydrate and fuel your body to deal with treatment. So make smoothies if you can't face food. Eat watermelon to hydrate. Add cordial to water if it tastes gross by itself. Just get stuff in that body. Graze, snack, eat little and often if you're not hungry. Be careful about eating your favourite stuff during chemo, you might never be able to touch it again. RIP ginger biscuits. I only have to see them in the supermarket and I can smell the chemo suite.
One of the weirdest things I found during chemo is how disassociated you can feel from your own body. Innate, intrinsic feelings inside your body for your whole goddamn life now feel weird. What you feel like when you're hungry. When you're tired. When you need to wee. When you have an upset tummy.
Surprise! This can go out the window, it sure did for me. The number of times I thought I was nauseated or going to have diarrhoea and I was just hungry is insane.
Listening to your body also applies to how you feel generally. Check in with yourself and take notes on your phone if it's helpful. Sometimes you're going to miss a treatment because you're just not well enough to cope with it. They expect that, it's built in. Don't stress about it.
When your tits are trying to kill you, and treatment, gets going, you get all kinds of news along the way. Sometimes your reaction is going to surprise you and your people. It's ok to not feel how you're "supposed" to, and it's ok to have complicated emotions around stuff.
At one of my early scans they saw that the tumour had responded really well and had shrunk massively. Great news, right? Of course. Whilst I was ecstatic, I also felt upset, and then annoyed at myself for not just being pleased. It might have shrunk but it didn't change my treatment plan, so then I felt less like I had a north star focus to keep me on track. That was a temporary but real feeling. It passed (and by the way, getting all the treatment was right, because it still didn't wipe the tumour out) but it's ok to sit with two diametrically opposed feelings that don't make sense.
Not right away, you mad bitch! Give yourself a break. When you get a sense of how you're doing on treatment, have a think about what some none-negotiables might be, if that helps you.
I realised early on that walking and being in nature ALWAYS made me feel better, even if it was like wading through treacle to do it some days. I was mad into exercise pre-shitty tits, but I still don't have the energy for running, let alone in the height of chemo, but walking feels achievable and beneficial.
There are things you might like to do, like eating really healthily, or exercising or having energy to play with your kids. Whether it's a nice to have, or a need to have for you, get at it, but please don't give yourself a hard time when you sometimes just can't do it. Tomorrow is another day, mate. Life is not linear. You are doing fucking great.